Maria Malinovskaya
KAIMANIYA, 5 monologues
based on authentic speech of people suffering from mental disorders (Translated by Sergei Tseytlin)
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Sergei
I am sick with a bad voice these recordings are actually not that good the voice needs to be dealt with without words to convey the voice you would need words that are more complex than needed I am stationary being a voice is more than the fact that it is should I speak of what I am not saying anything I just have a voice they break your face insult you but you don’t have the strength to resist destruction my life with the voice has no meaning my purpose is simple not alive not dead just exist and die a simple man won’t do anything with his voice a complicated man will ask how not to do anything with his voice this is a road to madness the voice has nothing to do with me it’s like a drill turning against the groove that has been nailed on me Angela I live with my mom socialize with alice no one else visits me mom’s at work all day alice visits me at the clinic they said to look through the peephole and not let her in I disobeyed because I want to socialize they don’t let me out onto the street they close me inside all the knives are hidden also the pills I don’t need the doctor alice won’t forgive me there are two demons in me anyway if I go to the doctor’s there will be eleven and I won’t survive I don’t live by feng shui before she lived in my stomach now she has been reborn and has become a real person she contributed to the appearance of the demons inside me the more I am treated the more wicked they become I want to stop the treatment and drink water from the faucet it is cool I can catch a cold but I have a little scarf I bought it last year gray and a burgundy parka I don’t have voices I socialize with real people sometimes they come from the afterlife but these are not hallucinations they are in the flesh alice calls me a psychopath but it isn’t so I am healthy I will go to the police and will complain about psychiatry why have they locked me up in a loony bin for 8 months? why have they diagnosed me with schizophrenia? I need to buy a blade and a knife and that’s it they order to stop the treatment or else they will examine me through a magnifying glass I don’t want to burn in the sun but grandma was hit by a train she had a heart attack and alice is angry I will cut open my right arm since my left has tattoos I also need to open my stomach there is a bird there I don’t live by feng shui and that’s it soon I’ll buy a dog won’t work will die young saw two coffins today one was burgundy it’s a pity to bury it but actually I’ll probably ask to cremate myself and then plant a rose rabbits without heads but with little eyes my hands are shaking from the medicine this depresses me this is saddening and mom thinks I’ve gone mad but I’m healthy I’m just sick of them babbling to me they come out of nowhere I fear and don’t fear them chlorprothixene one pill in the morning two in the evening serlift half a pill in the evening I need to climb into the attic so that the sun could be closer to my body who cares about the grass I can lie on the slates it’s not me it’s alice she’s hitting me I’m twenty years old the doctor tells me he knows that several personalities live inside me he gave me the second group I showed him the tattoos and my voice is trying to reach the icy lump that will slit my throat a bird was born in my stomach there is no knife only scissors I can break the glass and with a shard cut open my stomach and take out the bird then leave the house ambush an adolescent and smash his skull in my fit I split open my stomach they sewed it up but I survived the psycho brigade came injected me with three blocks of thorazine and haloperidol now again I’m flying around the rooms I need to turn on the light because the light of day frightens me Maria a catacomb priest (the church is under the ground) reported this information during birth from three to seven beings enter the newborn the quantity depends on his energy intensity all people live with alien settlers and more often a native soul dominates controls its life and if some kind of being starts to actively manifest itself this is called obsession liberating himself from the alien settler the person receives his whole energy potential Oleg the world that surrounded me was full of various creatures it’s difficult to imagine them until you see them they were in everything that surrounded me from table utensils and walls to people and animals some ate me from the inside some formed a symbiosis or parasitized my body and others frightened me throwing or dropping something but it seemed the most frightening ones were those inside people I saw what they turned man into If they take full control of him Eugene it all began with the fall I hit my head four days against the wall went to the bathroom then these snakelike squids appeared but instead of arms they had sharpened feathers and a whole set of flexible proboscises compactly placed in the middle for two years I can’t break free they’ve made a teleport out of me into their world and through the etheric body learning to influence the physical one compressing my head creating a heart pain they want me to adapt to their working schedule which is from morning to evening like bees so that I don’t get blocked and form thought patterns for defense their intellect is that of a pedigree dog as much as I wanted to make contact it doesn’t work making contact with the body they flow over it like warm silk and I feel as if in a silk cocoon I create a thought pattern of a sunny plasma around myself like a cocoon and brand it they really don’t like it they hurt me I tolerate it I imagine how they sizzle and burst each thought pattern I anchor with the words let it be this gives me strength but it’s difficult to always be on the defense as soon as I give in they wrap me up and infiltrate inside me with a shudder they disappear they appear out of the air you can see them well at night they fly around amorphously reddish plasmoidlike creatures each one inside has many red dots stratifying into one knot and as a heap they fly about sitting on me unsticking and covering everything every night is like that where are they practitioners who can help in this unexplainable trouble I took haloperidol and trihex they didn’t help I noticed that my defenses vanish I am destroyed I quit taking them and recovered I feel them so concretely when they enter my bone marrow with their proboscises like ant tongues they don’t break into they go around once a proboscis reached my heart and pricked it as it twitched they don’t go there anymore it seems they need me alive I went to a priest for exorcism told him about the whole thing he said that we that is the church know everything about it we are here to defend people from it but he couldn’t help me he waved his incense exorcised me and it didn’t do anything I thought in the beginning how I could leave this life quickly and painlessly but then this malicious love for them awakened deep inside me |
Maria Malinovskaya was born in Gomel (Belarus) in 1994. PhD-student in Narratology at The National Academy of Sciences of Belarus. Poetry Editor at Moscow-based online literary magazine “Literratura”. Her poems were published in EUROPOE (anthology of 21st century innovative European poetry, Kingston University Press, 2019), “Poem” (International English Language Quarterly), [Translit], “Nosorog”, “Vozdukh”, “TextOnly”, “Cirk “Olymp” + TV”, “Snob”, and translated into English, Norwegian, Italian, Ukrainian, Belorussian and Polish. Longlister of the “Arcady Dragomoshchenko Prize” (2016, 2017). Participant of the European Poetry Festival (London, 2019). Author of a documentary poetry cycle "Kaimaniya" based on authentic speech of people suffering from mental disorders. Lives in Moscow.
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